Not Tonight Dear, My Ass is Too Big

I don't know about you, but I am still carrying around some extra pounds since I gave birth to my daughter, oh, three and a half-odd years ago. I never imagined it would be SO incredibly hard to lose the weight. And I never thought I would feel so un-sexy at times that I wouldn't even want my husband to see me naked.

But sometimes, I do. I admit it. Sometimes, I feel so lumpy, bumpy, stretch-marked, and saggy that I get as insecure as a chubby teenage girl with her first set of boobs. I even go so far as having thoughts during sex like "what if he's thinking how gross I am right now?" or "please don't touch my stomach, please don't touch my stomach." Or the worst: "Can he see how much that JIGGLES???"

Pathetic? Neurotic? Ridiculous? All of the above, yes. But it's true. And I know I am not the only one out there who feels this way. I know because I have surveyed over a hundred moms of all walks of life, and many of them have these same thoughts and insecurities.

Laura, a 32-year-old mother of three said "I feel like someone else has taken over my body. It doesn't look the same, it doesn't feel the same, and it doesn't react to my husband's touch in the same way. Sometimes I wonder if I am ever going to get my old body back."

What Laura expressed to me in her survey reflects how many mothers feel after giving birth. Completely out of control. Of their bodies, their hormones, sometimes even their ability to produce enough lubrication to get a finger in their hoo-ha, nevermind a penis. And although some of this goes away within the first six months after that screaming ball of joy has made its appearance, some of it doesn't. Sometimes, we find ourselves, YEARS later, still wondering when we are going to turn that corner and reclaim control.

Don't get me wrong, I have my sex kitten moments when I feel like my curves are a blessing instead of a curse, and my husband tries his damndest to make me feel like I am just as sexy as the day I met him. But I am always telling myself that if I could just lose that weight, everything would be so much better. I could let go more in bed, enjoy each moment a little bit more, and initiate some hot, crazy sexy time much more often.

I need we need an attitude adjustment. Instead of letting our bodies control how we feel, how about controlling our bodies with a positive attitude? I'm not saying that I am ready to throw in the towel and stop trying to lose the weight, but why shouldn't I cut myself a little slack and stop being so hard on myself? It's not like all the self-hatred is helping me, and it certainly has no place in the bedroom.

Here is what I am going to do. And I challenge you to do the same. Tomorrow I will wake up and notice the good things about myself. I will work out so I will feel strong and powerful. I will tell myself that I am sexy and confident. And maybe, just maybe, I will let my husband see me naked with the lights on.

Or maybe just some candles...

Baby steps ;)

So tell me moms, how do you feel about your bodies? What are your insecurities? And how do you make yourselves feel sexy? Do you have sex with the lights on and let it all hang out or is it strictly lights-out, under the covers for you?

As always, you can click on the link in the right sidebar to submit your stories, thoughts or feelings and it will be sent to me completely anonymously. Or, just leave a comment here and tell me how you feel. I'm not picky.

Whatever you do, have a sexy day!

Sex Pre-Baby and Post-Baby: Two Different Worlds

There is one irrefutable fact that I believe all mothers can agree upon, whether they are married, single, gay, straight, or any combination of the above.

Sex changes after children.

These changes range from physical changes, such as the size and tightness of your vagina, to mental and emotional changes, such as the urge to scream "Oh my God, don't touch me, do you KNOW what just came out of there????" any time your partner starts to initiate anything resembling sexual activity. Then, of course, there is the time issue, the total exhaustion, and the lack of time alone without the fear of coitus interruptus by a small child toddling in or an infant screeching for attention.

It ain't easy. But it's very easy to somewhat give up and resign yourself to the fact that your days as a sex kitten have been replaced with a lifetime of producing milk, changing diapers, cleaning up puke, and being a taxi driver for your children. Don't do it!!

Whatever you do, don't give up.

Here is an excerpt from my column at SexIs Magazine that may just shed some light on the issue:

But our sex lives don’t have to die a slow, painful death. Even though midnight feedings and puke covered clothes are soon replaced with kids’ activities and homework, it is possible to still feel sexy and fire it up in the bedroom while navigating through the suburban turmoil of being a soccer mom. Some couples find it easy to keep each other hot and horny and make the time to stoke each other’s fires, while others wade through hang-ups on body image, the inability to find the time or fall into the lackadaisical attitude that they just don’t have the energy to try anymore. And I won’t even get started on the single moms who are trying to date and get some action without dragging their children into uncomfortable and traumatic situations. What those moms who are getting it on night and day (and are satisfied) have over the others is the ability to communicate their wants and needs and create the sex life that they want. So why isn’t everyone doing that?

Yes, why isn't everyone doing it? Why do we find it so difficult to talk to our partners about what we want, what we don't want, and what makes us feel like running and screaming out of the room (such as your partner poking you in the back with his hard-on the morning after you have been up all night with a colicky baby)? That is the question of the day today ladies:

Do you communicate with your partner about what you do and don't like? And if not, why? If you do, how do you bring it up in a way that doesn't hurt feelings or pride? For example, maybe you just aren't comfortable with your husband touching your breasts while you are breastfeeding. What is the best way to tell him this without making him feel cut off? Or maybe you don't want him to touch your stomach because you are self conscious of your stretch marks. A conversation before the fact will be a lot more successful than swatting his/her hand away when they go to caress your tummy; so what do you say?

Feel free to comment here, send me an email or click on the link to the right for "Stories and Suggestions" (which is always 100% anonymous) to tell me what you think. Next week I will share some of the thoughts you ladies have dished and we can delve into the issue a little further.

Thanks, have a great day and try to make it a sexy one!

You Know You're a Sexy Mom When...

You Know You're a Sexy Mom When...

-You take the batteries out of your vibrator and put them in the baby monitor when it dies in the middle of the night.

-You use your daughter's cowgirl costume from last year for sexy time with your husband/boyfriend/partner

-You know what a "play through" is

-Your son brought your furry handcuffs to school for show and tell and now you are banned from classroom volunteering

-An old lady at the grocery store found a post-it note stuck to your ass that said "BUY BETTER LUBE"

-Lock jaw. Nuff said.

-You find yourself humming "hot dog, hot dog, hot diggity dog!" when your husband/boyfriend/partner whips out his "weiner."

-You'd do anything to NOT be so tired at the end of the day so you could have MORE SEX!

So if you answered yes to even one of these questions, most likely you are a "sexy mom" a.k.a. a mom who is not letting her sex life die a slow, painful death but who is trying her damndest to be an awesome mom AND a wife and lover to your husband, even though it's REALLY HARD. Even when it means forcing yourself to get in the mood after a long day of changing diapers and whining children. Even when it means that sometimes, you take one for the team and give him a blow job, even though you don't feel like it cause it's been weeks. Even when you have to rely on a quickie while the baby naps.

To all you sexy moms, I salute you!

And now, I want to hear from all the sexy moms. Leave me a comment with what makes you a sexy mom and I will start a list of "Sexy Moms" in my sidebar. Think of it as our own little sexy, somewhat dysfunctional at times, club.

I'll even get us tee-shirts ;)

May you all have a fabulous and sexy weekend!

Welcome to Sex and The Suburbs!

If you are here, most likely you are a mom. And hopefully, you have sex. And if not, then we’re going to work on changing that, or at least, find out why.

Welcome to the blog for Sex and The Suburbs, the book on motherhood and sex like none other before it. The book doesn’t exist in completion yet. But, with your help, it will. And when it does, you will have been a part of something great that could change the way moms look at sex, and maybe, just maybe, improve the love lives and relationships of some of them.

Because moms have sex, and they deserve to have good, satisfying, fulfilling sex lives. Just because we have taken on the role of “mother” doesn’t mean that we have to strip ourselves of the role of “wife” and “lover.” Here we will discuss how to do that, the common issues that arise, the concerns women face when confronted with having sex after motherhood, and we will hear stories from women and moms that we can relate to, or that might just open our minds to something new.

I have been surveying moms from all walks of life for the past six months. I have been amazed at the wide variety of responses that I get, as well as the answers in some cases. One thing is for sure, women don’t talk about these issues with each other nearly enough, in a safe and non-judgmental forum, with a sense of humor and an open minded perspective, and that is what I would like to create here with this blog. And at the end, I will compile all the stories, questions and concerns into a book that will hopefully help moms open up about their sex lives and confront their own issues head on.

To the right you will see a link to take the Sex and The Suburbs survey. If you haven’t already, I urge you to take the survey and share with me your experiences. The more mothers I hear from, the more information I can include in the book, and the better it will be. In addition, if you have any ideas for blog posts or stories you would like to share with me, you can click on “Stories and Suggestions” below the survey link. Both links take you to a COMPLETELY anonymous form online. Just be aware that any information you provide in these forms may be used on this blog or in the book, but if you provide me with personal information, it WILL NOT be shared with anyone.

If you are a mom and have a story to share and would like to contribute to this blog, you can also feel free to click on the “Contact” tab at the top of the page and email me your post idea. Occasionally, I will be having guest posters from different kinds of moms with different experiences to share.

Most of all, I want moms to feel like they can come here to laugh, share, learn, and grow. So PLEASE read, comment, take the survey and send me your suggestions. I think we might just have some fun.

And away we go… ;)