Monday, December 7, 2009

Mario Kart is Saving My Sex Life

There are quite a few things about sex after becoming a wife and mother that continue to surprise me. But there is one new development as of late that, I must admit, has really blown my mind.

Mario Kart is saving my sex life.

For real, y'all. I never, in a million years thought that a video game would have any impact on the frequency of my lovemaking, but sure enough, this fun little racing game has become quite the "power up" in the bedroom.

It's not because Mario and Luigi are super sexy, or that Wario's Goldmine is the perfect romantic backdrop for sexy time. It's because there is nothing like some good ole competition to get the blood flowing, and throw in a little wager with the winner receiving their prize in the form of something being licked, kissed or penetrated and you have a pretty kickin' evening. Yee-haw. It's fun, and it brings gaming to a WHOLE new level, let me tell ya. I have never been a big video game person before. Now I play EVERY DAY.

Now, it doesn't have to be Mario Kart people. If there is another video game that tickles your fancy, use it! Or a card game, hell, Candy Land will work in a pinch. The point is, you might be surprised, when you think outside the XBox (ba-dum-ching), what could result in some really awesome (and super fun) sex.

What have you found to be a fun (and unconventional) way to shake things up? I'm not talking sex toys, or pornography or dressing up like a dirty schoolgirl. I'm talking something that you NEVER would have thought would have impacted you in the bedroom. Sometimes you find inspiration where you least expect it - so where have you found it?

Thursday, December 3, 2009

An Apology To My Sex Life (And It's Not What You Think)

I have been thinking a lot lately about how much my life has changed just in the past five years. I got married, moved in with my in-laws, had a child, and bought a house. I went from being a publishing/editorial assistant in a publishing company to a work from home editor and writer to an unemployed blogger. I also went from being 25, in the best shape of my life, having sex almost every day to 30, saggy and stretched out and having sex about once or twice a week. If I saw myself now back then, I would be horrified. Then I would go admire myself naked in the mirror and go have some crazy sex.

But the thing is, not only do our circumstances change, but we change with them, and so should our expectations. Just because sex 5-7 times a week was our norm five years ago doesn't mean that it should be our norm today. I mean, it's just not realistic nowadays (as much as I am sure my husband would beg to differ that it should be our norm, but I just refuse to rape him every night). But as life throws its curveballs and morphs us into an older, flabbier, more exhausted version of ourselves, we need to adapt. We have to accept our "new normal." And what is "normal" for Jim and Pam isn't necessarily "normal" for Michael and Carol. If once a week is rocking your marital bed and keeping you satisfied just like back in the newlywed days, then more power to ya. Others might find that 3-4 times a week is more palatable and completely attainable. Most importantly, we shouldn't compare ourselves to one another or feel like we have to reach a quota.

What inspired me to write this post was a comment that one of my new readers made on my Overstressed and Undersexed post a couple of weeks ago. John Cave Osborn was his name and he said:
My wife and I are both very fulfilled with our sex life. I'd say our running average is 2x per week, but you seem to think that's not good. Curious about that. Your 8-year run? (referring to the fact that, for about 8 years I hadn't once turned my husband down for sex) serious props. But, honestly, life gets more cluttered w/responsibilities as you age. Those responsibilities require time and energy. The days don't get any longer. They get shorter. Giving your partner the Heisman from time to time? (picture the statue and the stiff-arm) - perfectly natural.
I responded with this:
I am not saying that two times a week is not good, what I am saying is that for US it was not good. But times have changed, we are older, have more kids, more responsibilities and more stress, and I guess we need to aim for two times a week as our "new normal" But everyone is different, and if two times a week is satisfying for you, then I think it is fantastic that you are hitting that mark!
I think John made me understand something and I want to thank him for that. He made me realize that I was putting my sex life under a microscope and comparing it to the way it was five years ago when the rest of my life was totally different. How unfair of me. I am sorry sex life. That was completely insensitive of me. You can't be expected to hold up to performing the way you did back then, and I promise not to berate you because of it anymore.

But sex life, watch out for my husband, because he might just come after you. I think he has had his heart set on firing up that 5-7 times a week routine again. And, quite possibly, after the kids are a little more grown up, a little less whiny and demanding and lot more independent, I will be expecting more of you as well. So be prepared.

So how about you? How has the frequency of your sex life changed since children, marriage, getting older, etc. and do you feel you have adapted and become comfortable with it or are you feeling "undersexed"?

Monday, November 23, 2009

The Real Sex and The Suburbs

So remember all that stress I was talking about before due to the 40 hour a week job? Well, the good news is that it's gone. The bad news is it has been replaced with the stress of unemployment.

Yes, I lost my job two weeks ago. That is why I haven't posted on Sex and The Suburbs. There hasn't been all that much sexiness in these here suburbs. Notice I said not that much. Which means there has been some. Because after I cleaned myself up, stopped crying, finally took a shower, and stopped feeling bad for myself, we had some amazing sex.

Because tragedy can really bring you together like that, can't it?

My husband stepped up to the plate and supported me in a way that I wasn't quite sure he was capable of. He took care of the children when I was emotionally unable to. He cooked incredibly delicious meals when I couldn't even brush my hair. And he made me feel sexy when I hadn't changed my clothes in two days.

That is love. That is what marriage is all about.

That is sex and the suburbs.

More to come. Keep sending me stories, because now we can really begin. Now that I am unemployed, I have lots of time to spend on the blog and writing this book that has been slowly forming itself in my head and even more slowly on paper for half a year. Everything happens for a reason, so I am taking this gift I have been given and not taking it for granted. I have learned my lesson in the past and I won't make that mistake ever again.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Overtired and Undersexed, How Bout You?

Last night I asked my husband how he was, and he replied "Overtired and undersexed."

I died a little bit on the inside. It made me feel REALLY bad, like I wasn't doing my "duty" as a good wife to keep him sexed up as much as possible. And, to be honest, this is one area that we have not really had much of an issue with in the past. I have always been one of those wives that was always up for a good roll in the hay, even if I wasn't in the mood, and I even prided myself on the fact that, as of about six months ago, I had NEVER turned him away. Not once.

Well that streak's dead. There have been numerous times the past few months that my husband has started groping me and I have been so incredibly tired and emotionally drained that I have rolled over and escaped his advances, slipping into a deep, life-escaping sleep.

Eight years wasn't a bad run, right?

Instead of having sex multiple times a week, now we are down to about once a week, and it's a banner week if we sex it up twice. Pathetic. Lame. TRAGIC even. But right now, sex is really low on my list of things to do. It doesn't even make it on the to-do list, where all the most important stuff goes to be crossed off.

But between worrying about the swine flu and whether or not to vaccinate my kids, working from home 40 hours a week, trying to keep my kids from destroying my house or themselves, and the various activities, appointments and responsibilities of daily life, I'm just spent. And my libido is spent too.

I know I am not alone. This seems to be one of the most common complaints from parents that I have come across in my surveys. Everyone wishes they had more energy for sex, but they don't know exactly how to get it. If only we could bottle the energy our children have that allows them to function on overdrive from sunrise to sunset. But we can't. So what do we do?

What do YOU do when you are overtired and undersexed?

Monday, October 26, 2009

Not Tonight Dear, My Ass is Too Big

I don't know about you, but I am still carrying around some extra pounds since I gave birth to my daughter, oh, three and a half-odd years ago. I never imagined it would be SO incredibly hard to lose the weight. And I never thought I would feel so un-sexy at times that I wouldn't even want my husband to see me naked.

But sometimes, I do. I admit it. Sometimes, I feel so lumpy, bumpy, stretch-marked, and saggy that I get as insecure as a chubby teenage girl with her first set of boobs. I even go so far as having thoughts during sex like "what if he's thinking how gross I am right now?" or "please don't touch my stomach, please don't touch my stomach." Or the worst: "Can he see how much that JIGGLES???"

Pathetic? Neurotic? Ridiculous? All of the above, yes. But it's true. And I know I am not the only one out there who feels this way. I know because I have surveyed over a hundred moms of all walks of life, and many of them have these same thoughts and insecurities.

Laura, a 32-year-old mother of three said "I feel like someone else has taken over my body. It doesn't look the same, it doesn't feel the same, and it doesn't react to my husband's touch in the same way. Sometimes I wonder if I am ever going to get my old body back."

What Laura expressed to me in her survey reflects how many mothers feel after giving birth. Completely out of control. Of their bodies, their hormones, sometimes even their ability to produce enough lubrication to get a finger in their hoo-ha, nevermind a penis. And although some of this goes away within the first six months after that screaming ball of joy has made its appearance, some of it doesn't. Sometimes, we find ourselves, YEARS later, still wondering when we are going to turn that corner and reclaim control.

Don't get me wrong, I have my sex kitten moments when I feel like my curves are a blessing instead of a curse, and my husband tries his damndest to make me feel like I am just as sexy as the day I met him. But I am always telling myself that if I could just lose that weight, everything would be so much better. I could let go more in bed, enjoy each moment a little bit more, and initiate some hot, crazy sexy time much more often.

I need we need an attitude adjustment. Instead of letting our bodies control how we feel, how about controlling our bodies with a positive attitude? I'm not saying that I am ready to throw in the towel and stop trying to lose the weight, but why shouldn't I cut myself a little slack and stop being so hard on myself? It's not like all the self-hatred is helping me, and it certainly has no place in the bedroom.

Here is what I am going to do. And I challenge you to do the same. Tomorrow I will wake up and notice the good things about myself. I will work out so I will feel strong and powerful. I will tell myself that I am sexy and confident. And maybe, just maybe, I will let my husband see me naked with the lights on.

Or maybe just some candles...

Baby steps ;)

So tell me moms, how do you feel about your bodies? What are your insecurities? And how do you make yourselves feel sexy? Do you have sex with the lights on and let it all hang out or is it strictly lights-out, under the covers for you?

As always, you can click on the link in the right sidebar to submit your stories, thoughts or feelings and it will be sent to me completely anonymously. Or, just leave a comment here and tell me how you feel. I'm not picky.

Whatever you do, have a sexy day!

Monday, October 19, 2009

Sex Pre-Baby and Post-Baby: Two Different Worlds

There is one irrefutable fact that I believe all mothers can agree upon, whether they are married, single, gay, straight, or any combination of the above.

Sex changes after children.

These changes range from physical changes, such as the size and tightness of your vagina, to mental and emotional changes, such as the urge to scream "Oh my God, don't touch me, do you KNOW what just came out of there????" any time your partner starts to initiate anything resembling sexual activity. Then, of course, there is the time issue, the total exhaustion, and the lack of time alone without the fear of coitus interruptus by a small child toddling in or an infant screeching for attention.

It ain't easy. But it's very easy to somewhat give up and resign yourself to the fact that your days as a sex kitten have been replaced with a lifetime of producing milk, changing diapers, cleaning up puke, and being a taxi driver for your children. Don't do it!!

Whatever you do, don't give up.

Here is an excerpt from my column at SexIs Magazine that may just shed some light on the issue:

But our sex lives don’t have to die a slow, painful death. Even though midnight feedings and puke covered clothes are soon replaced with kids’ activities and homework, it is possible to still feel sexy and fire it up in the bedroom while navigating through the suburban turmoil of being a soccer mom. Some couples find it easy to keep each other hot and horny and make the time to stoke each other’s fires, while others wade through hang-ups on body image, the inability to find the time or fall into the lackadaisical attitude that they just don’t have the energy to try anymore. And I won’t even get started on the single moms who are trying to date and get some action without dragging their children into uncomfortable and traumatic situations. What those moms who are getting it on night and day (and are satisfied) have over the others is the ability to communicate their wants and needs and create the sex life that they want. So why isn’t everyone doing that?

Yes, why isn't everyone doing it? Why do we find it so difficult to talk to our partners about what we want, what we don't want, and what makes us feel like running and screaming out of the room (such as your partner poking you in the back with his hard-on the morning after you have been up all night with a colicky baby)? That is the question of the day today ladies:

Do you communicate with your partner about what you do and don't like? And if not, why? If you do, how do you bring it up in a way that doesn't hurt feelings or pride? For example, maybe you just aren't comfortable with your husband touching your breasts while you are breastfeeding. What is the best way to tell him this without making him feel cut off? Or maybe you don't want him to touch your stomach because you are self conscious of your stretch marks. A conversation before the fact will be a lot more successful than swatting his/her hand away when they go to caress your tummy; so what do you say?

Feel free to comment here, send me an email or click on the link to the right for "Stories and Suggestions" (which is always 100% anonymous) to tell me what you think. Next week I will share some of the thoughts you ladies have dished and we can delve into the issue a little further.

Thanks, have a great day and try to make it a sexy one!

Friday, October 16, 2009

You Know You're a Sexy Mom When...

You Know You're a Sexy Mom When...

-You take the batteries out of your vibrator and put them in the baby monitor when it dies in the middle of the night.

-You use your daughter's cowgirl costume from last year for sexy time with your husband/boyfriend/partner

-You know what a "play through" is

-Your son brought your furry handcuffs to school for show and tell and now you are banned from classroom volunteering

-An old lady at the grocery store found a post-it note stuck to your ass that said "BUY BETTER LUBE"

-Lock jaw. Nuff said.

-You find yourself humming "hot dog, hot dog, hot diggity dog!" when your husband/boyfriend/partner whips out his "weiner."

-You'd do anything to NOT be so tired at the end of the day so you could have MORE SEX!

So if you answered yes to even one of these questions, most likely you are a "sexy mom" a.k.a. a mom who is not letting her sex life die a slow, painful death but who is trying her damndest to be an awesome mom AND a wife and lover to your husband, even though it's REALLY HARD. Even when it means forcing yourself to get in the mood after a long day of changing diapers and whining children. Even when it means that sometimes, you take one for the team and give him a blow job, even though you don't feel like it cause it's been weeks. Even when you have to rely on a quickie while the baby naps.

To all you sexy moms, I salute you!

And now, I want to hear from all the sexy moms. Leave me a comment with what makes you a sexy mom and I will start a list of "Sexy Moms" in my sidebar. Think of it as our own little sexy, somewhat dysfunctional at times, club.

I'll even get us tee-shirts ;)

May you all have a fabulous and sexy weekend!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Welcome to Sex and The Suburbs!

If you are here, most likely you are a mom. And hopefully, you have sex. And if not, then we’re going to work on changing that, or at least, find out why.

Welcome to the blog for Sex and The Suburbs, the book on motherhood and sex like none other before it. The book doesn’t exist in completion yet. But, with your help, it will. And when it does, you will have been a part of something great that could change the way moms look at sex, and maybe, just maybe, improve the love lives and relationships of some of them.

Because moms have sex, and they deserve to have good, satisfying, fulfilling sex lives. Just because we have taken on the role of “mother” doesn’t mean that we have to strip ourselves of the role of “wife” and “lover.” Here we will discuss how to do that, the common issues that arise, the concerns women face when confronted with having sex after motherhood, and we will hear stories from women and moms that we can relate to, or that might just open our minds to something new.

I have been surveying moms from all walks of life for the past six months. I have been amazed at the wide variety of responses that I get, as well as the answers in some cases. One thing is for sure, women don’t talk about these issues with each other nearly enough, in a safe and non-judgmental forum, with a sense of humor and an open minded perspective, and that is what I would like to create here with this blog. And at the end, I will compile all the stories, questions and concerns into a book that will hopefully help moms open up about their sex lives and confront their own issues head on.

To the right you will see a link to take the Sex and The Suburbs survey. If you haven’t already, I urge you to take the survey and share with me your experiences. The more mothers I hear from, the more information I can include in the book, and the better it will be. In addition, if you have any ideas for blog posts or stories you would like to share with me, you can click on “Stories and Suggestions” below the survey link. Both links take you to a COMPLETELY anonymous form online. Just be aware that any information you provide in these forms may be used on this blog or in the book, but if you provide me with personal information, it WILL NOT be shared with anyone.

If you are a mom and have a story to share and would like to contribute to this blog, you can also feel free to click on the “Contact” tab at the top of the page and email me your post idea. Occasionally, I will be having guest posters from different kinds of moms with different experiences to share.

Most of all, I want moms to feel like they can come here to laugh, share, learn, and grow. So PLEASE read, comment, take the survey and send me your suggestions. I think we might just have some fun.

And away we go… ;)

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

About the Author

I am a work from home freelance writer and editor, married with two children, and do, indeed live in the suburbs. I even used to have a mini-van ;) I decided to write Sex and The Suburbs when I started my blog, The Wise (*Young*) Mommy and realized from feedback from other moms when I wrote about sex that there was a lot more to sex after children than I ever imagined. Now it is my goal to inform, educate and give moms resources for expressing themselves concerning their sex lives. And, you know, make people laugh along the way (hopefully).

Currently, I have a weekly sex column at ToyWithMe.com and you can also read past editions of my former weekly column, Sex and The Suburbs, at SexIs Magazine.

Contact Info

If you would like to contact me with questions, suggestions or stories for me to use for the blog or the book, you can e-mail me at wiseyoungmommy@gmail.com.  

Follow me on Twitter: @wiseyoungmommy

About the Book

The book, Sex and The Suburbs, is a humorous, honest look at sex after motherhood—the changes that take place, the issues that mothers deal with in regards to their sex lives and practical advice for having a healthy sex life after having children. The book uses real-life stories from everyday mothers to bring to light what kind of sex moms are having, what their biggest concerns are and how they have overcome obstacles concerning body image, libido, finding the time, and keeping things interesting with their partners after kids, mortgages, car payments, and kids’ activities threaten to take over.