Thursday, December 3, 2009

An Apology To My Sex Life (And It's Not What You Think)

I have been thinking a lot lately about how much my life has changed just in the past five years. I got married, moved in with my in-laws, had a child, and bought a house. I went from being a publishing/editorial assistant in a publishing company to a work from home editor and writer to an unemployed blogger. I also went from being 25, in the best shape of my life, having sex almost every day to 30, saggy and stretched out and having sex about once or twice a week. If I saw myself now back then, I would be horrified. Then I would go admire myself naked in the mirror and go have some crazy sex.

But the thing is, not only do our circumstances change, but we change with them, and so should our expectations. Just because sex 5-7 times a week was our norm five years ago doesn't mean that it should be our norm today. I mean, it's just not realistic nowadays (as much as I am sure my husband would beg to differ that it should be our norm, but I just refuse to rape him every night). But as life throws its curveballs and morphs us into an older, flabbier, more exhausted version of ourselves, we need to adapt. We have to accept our "new normal." And what is "normal" for Jim and Pam isn't necessarily "normal" for Michael and Carol. If once a week is rocking your marital bed and keeping you satisfied just like back in the newlywed days, then more power to ya. Others might find that 3-4 times a week is more palatable and completely attainable. Most importantly, we shouldn't compare ourselves to one another or feel like we have to reach a quota.

What inspired me to write this post was a comment that one of my new readers made on my Overstressed and Undersexed post a couple of weeks ago. John Cave Osborn was his name and he said:
My wife and I are both very fulfilled with our sex life. I'd say our running average is 2x per week, but you seem to think that's not good. Curious about that. Your 8-year run? (referring to the fact that, for about 8 years I hadn't once turned my husband down for sex) serious props. But, honestly, life gets more cluttered w/responsibilities as you age. Those responsibilities require time and energy. The days don't get any longer. They get shorter. Giving your partner the Heisman from time to time? (picture the statue and the stiff-arm) - perfectly natural.
I responded with this:
I am not saying that two times a week is not good, what I am saying is that for US it was not good. But times have changed, we are older, have more kids, more responsibilities and more stress, and I guess we need to aim for two times a week as our "new normal" But everyone is different, and if two times a week is satisfying for you, then I think it is fantastic that you are hitting that mark!
I think John made me understand something and I want to thank him for that. He made me realize that I was putting my sex life under a microscope and comparing it to the way it was five years ago when the rest of my life was totally different. How unfair of me. I am sorry sex life. That was completely insensitive of me. You can't be expected to hold up to performing the way you did back then, and I promise not to berate you because of it anymore.

But sex life, watch out for my husband, because he might just come after you. I think he has had his heart set on firing up that 5-7 times a week routine again. And, quite possibly, after the kids are a little more grown up, a little less whiny and demanding and lot more independent, I will be expecting more of you as well. So be prepared.

So how about you? How has the frequency of your sex life changed since children, marriage, getting older, etc. and do you feel you have adapted and become comfortable with it or are you feeling "undersexed"?


Anonymous said...

wait what, theres no Santa Clause? damn it...

I do agree that ones couples preference is the norm, and should not be compared to others. As long as they agree and are happy for it.

Its just like everything else, you always need to adjust and adapt while being thankful for what you have. :)

As far as raping your husband, im sure he would like that. lol..


Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Did I say there was no Santa Claus?

HeatherLynn said...

Well, I think it's only natural...and life changes us, and priorities change, it happens. I agree you should not beat yourself or in this case your sexlife up for it...we all wish we had the waistline of 5 years ago, the SPARE TIME of 5 years ago...the energy, the carefreeness maybe...but yeah, you're 100% right...what was five years ago, is not today, the now, the here.

Remember, it's not about quantity time with your spouse, it's about "quality time"...enjoy what you got, enjoy what you get, and the rest will all work out....who knows, you two might be that crazy passionate old couple making out on the beach at your retirement community in Florida when you're like a hundred...grossing out the youngsters that go by....youngsters that you won't even notice....

so don't you worry your pretty head about this...ok?


Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

as always, excellent input HeatherLynn :)

adrienzgirl said...

As long as BOTH partners are satisfied, numbers do not matter. Period. The hubs and I were like rabbits 10 years ago. Today, we move more the turtles. But we are both happy and satisfied, sexually speaking! :D

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Glad to hear it adrienzgirl! That really is all that matters.

PoshNicole said...

I didn't even finish reading this post yet, but I have to tell you...

"I also went from being 25, in the best shape of my life, having sex almost every day to 30, saggy and stretched out and having sex about once or twice a week. If I saw myself now back then, I would be horrified. Then I would go admire myself naked in the mirror and go have some crazy sex."

This is what I think EVERY DAY!

Ok, I'll continue reading now =)

Anonymous said...

Interestingly, now that my husband and I have been together 25 years, have two halfway grown children, and have been through several rough patches in our marriage, I would say that our sex life is better than ever. Seriously. The communication needed to keep us together fueled more self-awareness and willingness to take risks, and now we are just hot with each other, despite the fatigue, extra pounds, and sagging.

I really love that sex with my husband can cover such a range of emotions and meet so many different needs - it's totally hot and completely secure at the same time!

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