Monday, October 19, 2009

Sex Pre-Baby and Post-Baby: Two Different Worlds

There is one irrefutable fact that I believe all mothers can agree upon, whether they are married, single, gay, straight, or any combination of the above.

Sex changes after children.

These changes range from physical changes, such as the size and tightness of your vagina, to mental and emotional changes, such as the urge to scream "Oh my God, don't touch me, do you KNOW what just came out of there????" any time your partner starts to initiate anything resembling sexual activity. Then, of course, there is the time issue, the total exhaustion, and the lack of time alone without the fear of coitus interruptus by a small child toddling in or an infant screeching for attention.

It ain't easy. But it's very easy to somewhat give up and resign yourself to the fact that your days as a sex kitten have been replaced with a lifetime of producing milk, changing diapers, cleaning up puke, and being a taxi driver for your children. Don't do it!!

Whatever you do, don't give up.

Here is an excerpt from my column at SexIs Magazine that may just shed some light on the issue:

But our sex lives don’t have to die a slow, painful death. Even though midnight feedings and puke covered clothes are soon replaced with kids’ activities and homework, it is possible to still feel sexy and fire it up in the bedroom while navigating through the suburban turmoil of being a soccer mom. Some couples find it easy to keep each other hot and horny and make the time to stoke each other’s fires, while others wade through hang-ups on body image, the inability to find the time or fall into the lackadaisical attitude that they just don’t have the energy to try anymore. And I won’t even get started on the single moms who are trying to date and get some action without dragging their children into uncomfortable and traumatic situations. What those moms who are getting it on night and day (and are satisfied) have over the others is the ability to communicate their wants and needs and create the sex life that they want. So why isn’t everyone doing that?

Yes, why isn't everyone doing it? Why do we find it so difficult to talk to our partners about what we want, what we don't want, and what makes us feel like running and screaming out of the room (such as your partner poking you in the back with his hard-on the morning after you have been up all night with a colicky baby)? That is the question of the day today ladies:

Do you communicate with your partner about what you do and don't like? And if not, why? If you do, how do you bring it up in a way that doesn't hurt feelings or pride? For example, maybe you just aren't comfortable with your husband touching your breasts while you are breastfeeding. What is the best way to tell him this without making him feel cut off? Or maybe you don't want him to touch your stomach because you are self conscious of your stretch marks. A conversation before the fact will be a lot more successful than swatting his/her hand away when they go to caress your tummy; so what do you say?

Feel free to comment here, send me an email or click on the link to the right for "Stories and Suggestions" (which is always 100% anonymous) to tell me what you think. Next week I will share some of the thoughts you ladies have dished and we can delve into the issue a little further.

Thanks, have a great day and try to make it a sexy one!


Anonymous said...

I found your blog through clark kents lunch glad i did, im following;)

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Thanks Steven! Welcome aboard and feel free to add the "male perpective" whenever you see fit!

Not The Rockefellers said...

The hardest thing for me, after baby, was that I found I had to be the initiator
and why was that?
I would think back to the time when we couldn't wait to have at each other and cry...and that coupled with hormones and being home all day with no one adult to talk with made me all kinds of pleasant to come home to...
Communication. You are spot-on. I don't come equipped with an ESPN up-to-the-minute ticker so hubby had no idea what was running through my head.
Which was a lot...
So we talked, every night, for the 20 minutes our infant daughter slept :)
and we gradually brought back the good old days
albiet a little slower :)
It's been a while since my daughter's birth, middle-age has set in for the both of us and I find myself being the initiator again...
and why is that?
and so the communication begins again...

you gotta kindle this fire with care :)


Momma Hunt said...

I couldn't agree more. Mom of a two and half year old and another on the way, it makes it hard to get up my inner sex kitten, but as you said a lot of it has to do with communication. For example two nights ago it was I would love to have sex but don't come suggest it after a long night as I am turning out my light, sometime in the previous two hours after our son went to bed would be good!

Anonymous said...

I think my post-baby-loving problem is really all my partner; I try and tell the man what I want and he looks at me blankly. Sex after having my first baby last year has mostly been what sex generally is for him; a release. My frustrations usually build up over a few weeks, then I'll explode at him, pouring out my inner feelings and telling him what I want, but within less than a week we're back to quickie (playthrough) sex. My personal issues with post-baby sex are mostly the tired factor and the I-got-fatter factor, but my partner can't fathom that at all.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

I am continually amazed at how hard it is for men and women to understand each other, sometimes I wonder how we ever live together! lol.

But we have to keep trying to explain it to each other, right? What else is there?

Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt said...

(over from Sprite's Keeper)

I could spew out a list a mile long. Rather than bore you with all my "issues" I'd like to sit back and read for a while. ;)

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Erin, you could never bore me! And feel free to unload by clicking on the link to the right that says "Stories and Suggestions", it's 100% anonymous.

The more I know about what YOU want to hear about, the better the blog will be!

Shay said...

I didn't have many of the normal physical hangups. I had a C-section so I wasn't worried about if I would feel different. I lost a lot of weight while pregnant due to gestational diabetes. I did have some hangups about my husband touching my boobs while I was still nursing. I was so afraid I would get excited and squirt him! My main problem was finding a time I wasn't utterly exhausted and still in the mood. Once the baby started sleeping through the night, we were back in the saddle again! I was worried with us co-sleeping how we would figure it out, but thats why we had a pack n play.

Anonymous said...

Well the Q wasn't addressed to men but it seems some women do fret about the size of their ummmm va-jag-na and I am here to state that I have never ever been able to feel a discernable difference.

I do whish my bride was more open about what she wanted sexually though, I would do anything she asked.

Ladies ask your man for what you want!!!

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